Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on