Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.