Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
You Might Also Like
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
my first day as a raccoon
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.