An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.