BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
the answer was staring at me all along
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I know this now 😂
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.