Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
You Might Also Like
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.