Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here