I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!