Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
LOOOOOOL
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.