Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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I have so many questions.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda