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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
sleeping beauty
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.