I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
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GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.