Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you