*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.