[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”