I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.