Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*