If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I feel it
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich