Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Lmbo
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world