Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.