My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
podcasts
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?