Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.