I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead