Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.