My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
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My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Oh boy, $150,000!
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*