Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
You Might Also Like
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.