Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
No regrets in 2018
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.