“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My new favorite headline
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?