A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣