count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
You Might Also Like
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
🤔😂😂
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.