“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.