Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
brian had himself a morning…
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster