I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Spa day..😅
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K