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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.