When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address