[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times