MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”