“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.