Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Before & after 😅
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*