me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
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I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
#dalle2
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.