The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.