Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
You Might Also Like
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Sorry. Not sorry
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left