Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc