Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.