I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.