Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You Might Also Like
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
you have three unread messages
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
waiting for halloween be like:
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no