Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Love this one 😂🧟
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Gods work.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.