[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.