Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?