Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.